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Magical Zombies

What is a Magical Zombie?

Magical Zombies are zombies that have been created by wizards, witches or other people that play Magic the gathering. The are unique in that they generally aren’t contagious, so when they bite someone they won’t become a zombie and they have no grounding in the physical world. Take a look at the examples if you don’t get what I mean:

History in movies

The most comedic of all zombies

You may have noticed from the movie list magical zombies aren’t exactly the biggest threat on film makers minds. They are however very unique and should you ever run into them it’s important to know how to fight them and survive!

Magic Zombie Fact List

  • Magical Zombies are generally not infections! Don’t go killing party members because they got bit!
  • Their limbs can function independent of their bodies, cut off and arm and the arm will chase you.
  • It’s generally agreed that magic zombies TOTALLY hate fire!
  • Their attacks are usually limited by geography: get out of the effected town and you should be ok
  • They have a nasty habit of popping out of the ground, watch your feet and avoid cemeteries

The Zombie Plan

After you’re done laughing because magical zombies are totally weak take a moment to realize that guns won’t stop them. Even if you blow their head off they’ll keep coming. Even if you chop their limbs off, all you will do is create five parts that are trying to kill you…granted they don’t have much leverage.

Your real goal should be to get out of the area effected by zombies. Stock up on molotov cocktails but remember that anytime you use them whatever building you run into will probably start on fire. Flame throwers are great too and you can make them from scratch!

Shotguns are good too because they won’t end up starting you on fire and they still help slow the zombies down.

If you can’t just leave and you insist on stopping the zombie invasion

That’s easy, just find the shmuck that rose those zombies from the dead and kill ’em. It might be difficult because they’re magic but it should be easy because they’re total wimps that play Magic: The gathering.

Just remember, if Scooby Doo can survive a Magical zombie attack, you can too.

More Zombie Articles

Posted Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Biological Zombies

What is a biological zombie?

A biological zombie is the most popular current incarnation of zombies. These are zombies that are created through the spread of a virus, generally created by man, or other biological factor that physically changes a human into a zombie using science.

Movies In which biological zombies are used

Important Facts

  • They are infectious, anyone they bite will probably turn into a zombie. Kill them quickly
  • They used to be slow but thanks to 28 days later they now run fast as hell
  • The best way to kill them is to shoot them in the head
  • They will eventually starve to death*
  • For some reason they have a human brain magnet and will always be drawn to fleshy pink parts
  • They’re probably wicked strong

The Guide

So you woke up one morning and all of the sudden there were zombies kicking down your door trying to devour your flesh. Time to break out the old firearm and defend yourself. What’s that? Don’t have a firearm? Your liberal ass probably doesn’t deserve salvation, good work trying to make guns illegal for the entire time you weren’t undead.

What you need

Many of you may be familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs as well you should be but that scale changes significantly in a zombie attack. Observe the modified pyramid:
Zombie Survival pyramid

Good strategies

Kill your self.

I kid I kid! But seriously, you might be better off.

Secure the area

Start off by securing your immediate vicinity or leave. You need time to think dammit! Can you fortify your house? If not get the hell out of it. The last thing you want to do is get trapped in a corner where you won’t be able to get out. Remember this hard fast rule: Whenever you’re stuck in a corner zombies will attack!

You need weapons, it doens’t matter how careful you are, you will always need weapons (unless you’re in a bomb shelter a la Matinee) and even then you’ll probably need them.

Get some guns!

If you don’t have guns you’ll need to get some, K-mart is almost worthless because they stopped carrying most ammunition. Thanks to that kid that Michael Moore manipulated you’ll have to go to gun stores, wallmart or pawn shops. Congrats, if you have to go to those places you’re probably dead. Be a boy scout and load up on zombie shooter’s today, before you need them! Copy my setup if you need some ideas.

Oh yeah, special note, if you live in England or any of the other countries that made guns illegal you’re probably screwed.

The real plan

The real plan has to be personally made, something that fits your circumstances. I made my first zombie plan when I worked in a mall. We knew that there was a sporting goods place in the mall so we could get guns, there was also a super target so we had food. The trick would just be to secure the borders to keep Zombie’s out. Now my situation has changed dramatically and I wouldn’t go near the mall.

Sit down with your family and come up with escape routes (to get away from zombies), code words (to verify they’re not a zombie) and procedures for slaughtering everyone anyone when if they get bit.

Still Confused?

Ask your questions and we’ll make sure you get the answers you need before the biological zombie’s attack!

Posted Thursday, July 10, 2008

Surviving a Zombie Attack

This past weekend I met my niece for the first time. She’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen, so innocent and so cute. As I looked down into her bright blue eyes all I could think was “How will you survive the future? How will you know how to fight off zombies?”

All purpose zombie guide

Unlike most guides which only cover one type of zombie eventuality I will be covering every kind of possible zombie attack. Everyone knows there are three types:

  • Biological Zombies – Zombies created by a virus, probably engineered by man.
  • Magical Zombies – Zombies created by a witch/sorcerer. This is actually the easiest to survive!
  • Apocalyptic Zombies – Zombies brought about by the end of the world. The Mac daddy of all zombie attacks and the hardest to survive.

So stay tuned for some updates and remember there are two kinds of people in this world: Those with a zombie plan and those without. Who would you rather be?

Posted Tuesday, July 8, 2008