What is a Magical Zombie?

Magical Zombies are zombies that have been created by wizards, witches or other people that play Magic the gathering. The are unique in that they generally aren’t contagious, so when they bite someone they won’t become a zombie and they have no grounding in the physical world. Take a look at the examples if you don’t get what I mean:

History in movies

• Scooby Doo: Zombie Island 1998 (not a reality show)
• Army of Darkness
• Harry Potter: Half-blood prince 2009 (Zombies are called inferi in Harry Potter)
• Idle Hands 1999
• And a whole bunch of crappy movies (2003)

The most comedic of all zombies

You may have noticed from the movie list magical zombies aren’t exactly the biggest threat on film makers minds. They are however very unique and should you ever run into them it’s important to know how to fight them and survive!

Magic Zombie Fact List

• Magical Zombies are generally not infections! Don’t go killing party members because they got bit!
• Their limbs can function independent of their bodies, cut off and arm and the arm will chase you.
• It’s generally agreed that magic zombies TOTALLY hate fire!
• Their attacks are usually limited by geography: get out of the effected town and you should be ok
• They have a nasty habit of popping out of the ground, watch your feet and avoid cemeteries

The Zombie Plan

After you’re done laughing because magical zombies are totally weak take a moment to realize that guns won’t stop them. Even if you blow their head off they’ll keep coming. Even if you chop their limbs off, all you will do is create five parts that are trying to kill you…granted they don’t have much leverage.

Your real goal should be to get out of the area effected by zombies. Stock up on molotov cocktails but remember that anytime you use them whatever building you run into will probably start on fire. Flame throwers are great too and you can make them from scratch!

Shotguns are good too because they won’t end up starting you on fire and they still help slow the zombies down.

If you can’t just leave and you insist on stopping the zombie invasion

That’s easy, just find the shmuck that rose those zombies from the dead and kill ‘em. It might be difficult because they’re magic but it should be easy because they’re total wimps that play Magic: The gathering.

Just remember, if Scooby Doo can survive a Magical zombie attack, you can too.

That’s right! Yahoo Music has won a todaywasawesome award for the category of advancement of anti-DRM. Yahoo music recently announced that they’re going to disable their DRM servers. That’s great, just that much less DRM in the world! Whoo!

Wait…they did what?!

Apparently Yahoo isn’t just disabling their DRM servers, they’ve gone the EXTRA MILE and are going to be disabling all the music that anyone has bought with their service! Not only will there be less DRM in this world but less DRM music! What a break through for digital rights to have Yahoo leading the the way in doing away with DRM technology.

But seriously, they should get an award

At least they’re proving, by stealing all of their users music, that DRM is a failure wherever it’s implemented. Here’s a breakdown in who gets robbed in DRM and non DRM situations.

DRM situations: The consumer is robbed of things they already paid for.
Non-DRM situations: No one is robbed of anything.

I’d like to announce that I’m also nominating Yahoo for biggest douche of the year award as well.

UPDATE Yahoo has vowed to reimburse customers. I guess it could be worse.

The new iphone is so amazing! The other day I had some car trouble and I was stuck in the middle of no where with no help in site. Luckily I still was in 3G coverage so the internet was lighting fast, I found out where I was using the built-in GPS and starting looking for a mechanic.

I started in on wikipedia to find out what might be wrong with my car and 4 1/2 hours later I was too busy watching sweet car crashes on youtube to care about being stuck in the middle of no where!

In fact, I felt so mobile I made this blog post and sent an email to my boss to let him know I wouldn’t be in today!

Thanks iphone!

What is a biological zombie?

A biological zombie is the most popular current incarnation of zombies. These are zombies that are created through the spread of a virus, generally created by man, or other biological factor that physically changes a human into a zombie using science.

Movies In which biological zombies are used

• 28 Days Later (2002)
• Resident Evil (2002)
• Shaun of the Dead (2004) - at least we think they were bio zombies
• Night of the living dead (1968) - Once again, not confirmed
• I am Legend (2007)

Important Facts

• They are infectious, anyone they bite will probably turn into a zombie. Kill them quickly
• They used to be slow but thanks to 28 days later they now run fast as hell
• The best way to kill them is to shoot them in the head
• They will eventually starve to death*
• For some reason they have a human brain magnet and will always be drawn to fleshy pink parts
• They’re probably wicked strong

The Guide

So you woke up one morning and all of the sudden there were zombies kicking down your door trying to devour your flesh. Time to break out the old firearm and defend yourself. What’s that? Don’t have a firearm? Your liberal ass probably doesn’t deserve salvation, good work trying to make guns illegal for the entire time you weren’t undead.

What you need

Many of you may be familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs as well you should be but that scale changes significantly in a zombie attack. Observe the modified pyramid:

Good strategies

Kill your self.

I kid I kid! But seriously, you might be better off.

Secure the area

Start off by securing your immediate vicinity or leave. You need time to think dammit! Can you fortify your house? If not get the hell out of it. The last thing you want to do is get trapped in a corner where you won’t be able to get out. Remember this hard fast rule: Whenever you’re stuck in a corner zombies will attack!

You need weapons, it doens’t matter how careful you are, you will always need weapons (unless you’re in a bomb shelter a la Matinee) and even then you’ll probably need them.

Get some guns!

If you don’t have guns you’ll need to get some, K-mart is almost worthless because they stopped carrying most ammunition. Thanks to that kid that Michael Moore manipulated you’ll have to go to gun stores, wallmart or pawn shops. Congrats, if you have to go to those places you’re probably dead. Be a boy scout and load up on zombie shooter’s today, before you need them! Copy my setup if you need some ideas.

Oh yeah, special note, if you live in England or any of the other countries that made guns illegal you’re probably screwed.

The real plan

The real plan has to be personally made, something that fits your circumstances. I made my first zombie plan when I worked in a mall. We knew that there was a sporting goods place in the mall so we could get guns, there was also a super target so we had food. The trick would just be to secure the borders to keep Zombie’s out. Now my situation has changed dramatically and I wouldn’t go near the mall.

Sit down with your family and come up with escape routes (to get away from zombies), code words (to verify they’re not a zombie) and procedures for slaughtering everyone anyone when if they get bit.

Still Confused?

Ask your questions and we’ll make sure you get the answers you need before the biological zombie’s attack!

This past weekend I met my niece for the first time. She’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen, so innocent and so cute. As I looked down into her bright blue eyes all I could think was “How will you survive the future? How will you know how to fight off zombies?”

All purpose zombie guide

Unlike most guides which only cover one type of zombie eventuality I will be covering every kind of possible zombie attack. Everyone knows there are three types:

• Biological Zombies - Zombies created by a virus, probably engineered by man.
• Magical Zombies - Zombies created by a witch/sorcerer. This is actually the easiest to survive!
• Apocalyptic Zombies - Zombies brought about by the end of the world. The Mac daddy of all zombie attacks and the hardest to survive.

So stay tuned for some updates and remember there are two kinds of people in this world: Those with a zombie plan and those without. Who would you rather be?

I, like many recently, have been looking at alternative fuel sources. Looking for ways to cutback my dependance on expensive electricity and gas. I’ve come up with some ideas but one that doesn’t seem to be worth a damn is Solar Panels. I found this solar panel kit that only costs $600 and yields about 1 kWh a week.

Wow a whole kilowatt every week!

That sounds like a pretty good dead right! I mean, 600 bucks gets you 52 kWhs a year assuming you have perfect weather and the sun is always directly on your solar panel…oh and it also has to be summer all year long.

There’s only one problem, after a year you will have paid ($600/52)=$11 a kilowatt. That doesn’t sound like a bad deal. A kilowatt is like…1000 watts right? That must be a large sum of watts! Like…a whole barrel of watts!

Back in the real world

Unfortunately last month my house used 981 kilowatts for a bill of $78.56. Which means I paid $0.0698 per watt. That makes solar power a whopping $10.30 more expensive per watt. In order to power my entire house I would need roughly 981 solar panels of this size 4.5 ft x 1.5 ft which means I would need an area roughly 4414.5 ft x 1471.5 ft. I’m pretty sure thats more area than the plot that my house sits on. Oh yeah, plus it would cost $588,600 dollars to make…

Sorry solar power, until you cost less than 11 times as much as normal electricity it looks like it’s a no go.

This morning I woke up and was getting ready to go when I realized that I didn’t have a single dry pair of pants. They were all in the wash. What was a man to do?

I popped a mentos in my mouth and danced around like an idiot grinning cheesily until I was at my closet. I had suit pants! So I’m rocking a tie today to go with my suit pants.

MENTOS! THE FRESHMAKER!

The Setup

I share an office with eight other people (nine including myself) and seven of the people in this room prefer to work with the lights off. We have big windows and it’s nice to just work in natural light. A lot of us find it easier to focus but there are two people that are very adamant that the light be turned on.

Today one of them was gone and seven of us where sitting in here working with the lights off happily when our co-worker who wants the lights on, we’ll call her “Sarah”, walked in the room and immediately turned the lights on.

I stealthily remarked via IM to another colleague that it was pretty rude to walk into a room and change it without any regard to the people already in there.

Trying to teach a lesson

To try to demonstrate to Sarah why this might be rude I left the room and when I came back in I turned off the lights. Sarah looked back at me and I stopped and said “Oh, I’m sorry, whenever I walk into a room I automatically adjust it to my personal preference regardless of what the people in the room might want.”

I was afraid that my sarcasm might come off as way too mean when I don’t bare any animosity for Sarah (I quite like her actually). Fortunately for me Sarah lacks a sense of irony and responded thusly: “Oh I see, you’re saying you’re really self-centered and you don’t think of others. Hows that working in your marriage?”

All I could do was laugh, it would be funnier though if she understood the joke was on her. Irony, it seems is lost on this one.

Yesterday Robynn was sick and maybe a little delirious (some would may say clairvoyant). She asked me a question:

Robynn: Who’s that guy that’s like god?
Me: umm..Jesus?
Robynn: No, the other one, the one that knows kung fu
Me (throughly confused): Are you talking about Bruce Lee?
Robynn: No no, it’s a white guy
Finally I understood, Me: Oooohhh, you mean Chuck Norris!
Robynn: YEAH! That’s the one!

She then promptly passed out. I’m sure this kind of mistaken identity happens to Chuck Norris all the time.

I had this wicked sweet dream last night where the world was being taken over by zombies, but not just any zombies, Musical zombies. These zombies craved brains alright but they also craved to talk about the talents of Duran Duran or how great the Monkeys were. See, the zombies had bad taste in music, that was the scary part.

They’d groan stuff like “Vanilla Ice was the last great artist!”. It was terrible, I fought as many as I could. I killed like five zombies with a shovel; no easy task I might add. Finally though, I succumbed to the hungry zombies and became one of them.

Amazingly enough I managed to retain some taste in music. I had like three other zombies with me and we went to go see if we couldn’t scare up some brains. We sauntered over to a house while discussing the merits of folk-rock and knocked on a door.

Suddenly from behind us we saw a drug dealer looking dude saunter around the corner with an UZI and he smiled. I dove to the side as my zombie companions were mowed down. I ran for my decaying life limbs flailing with some sort of beat rock mantra stuck in my head. I hid behind a car and finally I laid down in the ditch between the road and the sidewalk. I was just behind a car and a few inches from the sewer.

As I saw more guys gathering up the street, I considered going down the drain but I didn’t want to get all dirty (I was going to a concert later). There I lay, watching the feet up the street from under the car I was hiding behind. Finally the fear subsided and I attacked a police woman telling her about the value of having multiple keys on a song all the way…